Navigating difficult conversations and asking for what you need can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re managing mental health challenges. Whether you’re trying to set boundaries with a family member, request time off from work, or address a concern with a friend, knowing how to communicate effectively is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and protecting your well-being. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers a powerful tool called DEARMAN that can transform how you approach these challenging interpersonal situations.
DEARMAN is one of the most practical and widely-used skills from DBT’s interpersonal effectiveness module, designed to help you ask for what you want or say no to unwanted requests while maintaining your relationships and self-respect. At D’Amore Mental Health, we incorporate DEARMAN and other DBT skills into our comprehensive treatment programs to help clients build stronger communication skills and healthier relationships.
Understanding DEARMAN: The Building Blocks of Effective Communication
DEARMAN is an acronym that represents seven essential components of effective interpersonal communication. Each letter provides a specific guideline for how to structure your request or refusal in a way that maximizes your chances of success while preserving important relationships.
D – Describe
The first step in using DEARMAN is to Describe the situation objectively, focusing only on the facts without interpretation, judgment, or emotional language. This means stating what happened, when it happened, and who was involved—nothing more.
Example: Instead of saying “You’re always ignoring me and making me feel terrible,” try “When I texted you three times yesterday and didn’t receive a response, I felt concerned about our communication.”
Describing factually helps prevent the other person from becoming defensive and keeps the conversation focused on specific, observable behaviors rather than character judgments.
E – Express
Next, Express your feelings and opinions about the situation using “I” statements. This step acknowledges your emotional experience while taking ownership of your feelings rather than blaming the other person.
Example: “I felt worried when I didn’t hear back from you because I value our friendship and want to make sure everything is okay between us.”
Expressing your feelings helps the other person understand the impact of the situation and creates emotional connection and empathy.
A – Assert
Assert involves clearly stating what you want or need from the situation. This is where you make your specific request or state your boundary. Be direct, specific, and reasonable in your assertion.
Example: “I would appreciate if you could let me know when you receive my messages, even if it’s just to say you’re busy and will respond later.”
Many people struggle with this step because they fear being perceived as demanding or selfish. However, being clear about your needs is essential for healthy relationships and personal well-being.
R – Reinforce
Reinforce means explaining the positive consequences of getting what you’ve asked for, or the negative consequences of not getting it. This helps the other person understand why your request matters and motivates them to consider your needs.
Example: “If we can improve our communication, I’ll feel more secure in our friendship and won’t worry unnecessarily when I don’t hear from you.”
Focus on natural consequences rather than threats or manipulative statements.
M – Mindful
Stay Mindful by keeping your focus on your objective and avoiding getting distracted by other issues, attacks, or irrelevant topics. This means staying on track even if the conversation becomes difficult or the other person tries to change the subject.
Example: If the other person says, “Well, you’re not perfect either—remember when you canceled our plans last month?” you might respond with, “I understand you were upset about that, and we can talk about it another time. Right now, I’d like to focus on improving our communication going forward.”
Being mindful prevents conversations from spiraling into past grievances or unrelated conflicts.
A – Appear Confident
Appear Confident in your communication through your body language, tone of voice, and word choices. This doesn’t mean being aggressive or demanding, but rather presenting yourself as someone who believes their needs and feelings are valid and worthy of consideration.
Example: Make eye contact, speak clearly, use a calm but firm tone, and avoid minimizing language like “I guess” or “maybe” or “if that’s okay.”
Confident communication increases the likelihood that others will take your requests seriously and respect your boundaries.
N – Negotiate
Finally, be willing to Negotiate when appropriate. This means being open to compromise and alternative solutions that might meet both your needs and the other person’s needs.
Example: “If responding to every text feels overwhelming, would you be willing to send me a quick message letting me know you’re busy when you can’t respond right away?”
Negotiation demonstrates flexibility and consideration for the other person’s perspective while still advocating for your needs.
When to Use DEARMAN
DEARMAN is particularly useful in situations where:
- You need to ask for something important to you
- You want to say no to a request
- You need to set or maintain boundaries
- You’re addressing a relationship conflict
- You want to express your needs without damaging the relationship
- You’re feeling anxious or emotional about a conversation
This skill is especially valuable for individuals managing anxiety, depression, personality disorders, or trauma-related conditions that can make interpersonal communication feel particularly challenging.
DEARMAN in Practice: Real-World Applications
Setting Boundaries at Work
Situation: Your supervisor frequently asks you to stay late, affecting your mental health and work-life balance.
DEARMAN Response: “Over the past month, I’ve been asked to work overtime four times (Describe). I feel stressed and overwhelmed when I can’t maintain my evening routine, which affects my mental health (Express). I’d like to discuss setting clearer boundaries around overtime expectations (Assert). This will help me maintain my job performance and avoid burnout (Reinforce). I understand the department has busy periods, and I’m willing to occasionally work overtime with advance notice when possible (Negotiate).”
Addressing Issues in Personal Relationships
Situation: A friend consistently cancels plans at the last minute.
DEARMAN Response: “You’ve canceled our plans about an hour before we were supposed to meet for the last three times we’ve scheduled something (Describe). I feel disappointed and frustrated because I value our friendship and look forward to spending time together (Express). I need you to give me at least 24 hours notice if you need to cancel, or let’s discuss what scheduling approach would work better for both of us (Assert). This way, I can make other plans and won’t feel let down (Reinforce). I understand things come up—would it help to check in the day before our plans to confirm? (Negotiate).”
How D’Amore Mental Health Incorporates DEARMAN in Treatment
At D’Amore Mental Health, we understand that developing effective interpersonal skills is crucial for mental health recovery and long-term well-being. Our comprehensive DBT treatment program incorporates DEARMAN and other interpersonal effectiveness skills to help clients build healthier relationships and communicate more effectively.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy at D’Amore
Our experienced clinical team integrates DEARMAN training into both our Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) and Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP). Clients practice these skills in a supportive group setting, receive individual coaching, and learn how to apply DEARMAN techniques in their daily lives.
Through role-playing exercises, real-life scenario practice, and ongoing feedback from our licensed mental health professionals, clients develop confidence in using DEARMAN and other DBT skills. This practical approach ensures that the skills learned in treatment translate into improved relationships and communication outside of the therapy setting.
Common Challenges and Tips for Success
Overcoming Fear and Anxiety
Many people feel anxious about using DEARMAN, especially if they’re not used to advocating for themselves. Remember that it’s normal to feel nervous, and these feelings often decrease with practice.
Tip: Start with lower-stakes situations to build confidence before using DEARMAN in more challenging conversations.
Dealing with Pushback
Not everyone will respond positively to your DEARMAN attempts, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to get everything you ask for, but to communicate effectively and maintain your self-respect.
Tip: Focus on what you can control—your own communication—rather than trying to control the other person’s response.
Staying Consistent
DEARMAN works best when used consistently over time, not just in crisis situations.
Tip: Practice DEARMAN regularly in everyday interactions to make it feel more natural when you need it for difficult conversations.
Building Stronger Relationships Through Effective Communication
Learning to use DEARMAN effectively can transform your relationships and significantly improve your overall mental health. When you can communicate your needs clearly and respectfully, you’re more likely to get those needs met, feel heard and valued, and maintain healthier boundaries. The American Psychological Association emphasizes that healthy communication is fundamental to maintaining positive relationships and psychological well-being.
At D’Amore Mental Health, we’ve seen countless clients experience breakthrough moments when they successfully use DEARMAN skills in their personal and professional relationships. These victories build confidence, reduce anxiety around interpersonal interactions, and create a positive cycle of improved communication and stronger connections.
Take the Next Step Toward Better Communication
If you’re struggling with interpersonal relationships, setting boundaries, or communicating effectively, D’Amore Mental Health is here to help. Our comprehensive mental health treatment programs in Orange County incorporate proven DBT skills like DEARMAN to help you build the communication tools you need for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
DEARMAN is just one of many valuable skills you’ll learn in our evidence-based treatment programs. Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, depression, trauma, personality disorders, or other mental health challenges, our experienced clinical team can help you develop the interpersonal effectiveness skills that will serve you throughout your recovery journey and beyond.
Don’t let communication difficulties continue to impact your relationships and well-being. Contact D’Amore Mental Health today at (714) 868-7593 to learn more about our DBT treatment programs and take the first step toward more confident, effective communication. We’re here to support you in building the healthy relationships and communication skills that are essential for lasting mental wellness.
